LOSS

My mom, who for 37 years had been one of my best friends, passed away at the age of 58. It wasn't as if we had no idea she was dying, it was just that I don't think any of us wanted to believe or accept it. My mom was some what of a hypochondriac - at least that is how it seemed to my siblings and me. Since her heart attack and subsequent open heart surgery twelve years earlier, she insisted that she was dying. So dramatic! Then eight years before she died she told me that she had liver disease and was not eligible for a liver transplant. This played a huge part in my decision to give up a great position with my company and move my family back to Utah. Once I had returned I began going with her to all of her doctor appointments. I remember asking her primary care doctor if she was going to die. His response, "Well, everyone dies. She could die tomorrow in an accident." I looked at him and said, "I mean any time soon." His reply was that she was not going to die any time in the near future. I watched her deteriorate for two and a half years. Then one day her liver specialist called me and asked if my mom and I could come and see him. I still did not believe that she was going to die any time soon. I still remember that day as he placed his hands on my knees and looked me in the eyes and asked, "You do realize that your mother is going to die don't you?" I was stunned. Tears began to form on the edges of my eyes. I think I croaked out a response, but I am not sure. I do remember asking him what to expect. He proceeded to tell me that she would lose her memory, bloat up and eventually she would just go to sleep and then not wake up. That was in the Fall. By November my mom had been hospitalized after a visit to her primary care doctor. He set her up for an in home health care aide, but when the nurse came over to evaluate her, she put her on hospice instead. My mom made one last appointment with her doctor to tell him that she was going on hospice. He was angry. He told her that she was not going to die and did not need to be on hospice. Looking back, I think it was difficult for him because she had been his patient for over 20 years. She was one of his first patients right out of medical school. For weeks, she looked great. She seemed to have a lot of energy. Her memory appeared clear. She wasn't going to die - that's what I told myself. My mom wanted to have her "wake" before she died. A few people thought that was gruesome, but mom wanted to say good bye to everyone. Since Christmas was nearing I told her that we should wait until after the holidays so as not to depress everyone. We scheduled her "Celebration of Life" for January 20, 2007. She was so excited for it. Then one day she came to me and said, "I am so embarrassed." "Why?" I asked. "I should be dead by now. I told everyone I was dying and I am still alive. How embarrassing!" she cried. I couldn't believe that she was serious. I just stared at her. I told her that she was being ridiculous and that everyone would rather she still be alive! Things seemed to be going well until the week before her party. Some of my cousins had flown in early to come see her and they were gathered at the house. My husband was home for lunch. Mom came upstairs and seemed normal until she spoke. Her first words were, "Get the kids quick - before the mountain lions get them!" We all started laughing and just brushed it off. Then a little while later she said, "I have to have sex before I can take my pills." She didn't even realize what she had said. That was Monday. On Tuesday I had let her sleep most of the day. That evening when I went to check on her she was lying on her bed in her underwear. She had vomited all over the floor and on her bed. I started cleaning her up and was trying to get her in some clean clothes and change her sheets when she started trembling and crying. She kept telling me that she was sorry and that she would clean it. Then I hugged her and she cried, "Please don't put me in a home." I would never have done that! I told her everything was okay and I cleaned her up and put her back to bed. On Wednesday the aide couldn't get her up so she called the nurse at the hospice center. She told me not to force her to eat, but just to try to get her to take her liver medicine and keep liquids down. By that evening I knew something wasn't right so I called the on-call nurse and he came right over. He told me that she probably would not wake up from this point on. My mom had signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and had not wanted any means of artificial life support. This meant no IVs, not forced feeding, nothing. The nurse had brought a morphine package with him. He showed me how to administer it orally so that she would be comfortable. The next morning the hospice doctor came over and she said that my mom would probably die by the weekend. What? I think I was in shock. Mom had made me promise to have her party no matter what. So I started preparing for it since it was on Saturday. People started coming to the house and sitting with her and talking to her. The doctor told us that even though she was in a coma, she could hear us. Then on Saturday, an hour and twenty minutes before her party, she quit breathing. My cousin (her namesake) came up to me and and said, "Honey, I think your mom is gone." I said, "What?" Then I ran downstairs. I shocked myself when I let out a huge wail. I couldn't quit crying! Then I panicked because mom had wanted me to make sure I got her rings off of her fingers without cutting the rings. So I took her hand and began to tug. I was frantic because the damn rings wouldn't come off! Then another cousin handed me the lotion and they slipped off. I remember putting them on my fingers. I called my brother and my sister who were both on their way to my house to tell them mom had passed. Then my husband called the SLC Sheriff's department because they had to verify the death since a nurse or doctor was not present. All of a sudden I heard all these sirens blaring and horns honking then the room was filled with EMTs, paramedics, and police officers. I was still in shock when one of the EMTs came up to me and asked me where her DNR was. He proceeded to get hostile and accusatory as he told me that the law required it to be hung up next to her bed. How the hell was I supposed to know that? Fortunately, my brother walked in and several of the police officers knew him (he is also a police officer). At this point the EMT asked if anyone else knew she was a DNR - everyone raised their hand and said, "I did." Mom was very vocal about her wishes. The police officer in charge took down some information and then they all left. Fortunately, a family friend took over. He called the mortuary and made arrangements for her to be picked up, but we had to wait four hours before they would come. In the mean time, everyone started arriving for the party. I hid. I just couldn't tell people she was gone. I didn't want to cry in front of anyone.