My mom passed away two years ago today and the void still has not gotten any better. Tons of well intentioned people have told me over and over, “It will get easier with time.” I am here to tell you that it does not get easier with time!
Instead I dream about my mom all of the time. In my dreams she is still alive, but how could that be? I saw her die. I am angry at her. I am happy she is there. I miss her. I try to remember all the good times we had with her growing up and what a wonderful mom she was. Then I have a flood of emotion hit me making me miss her even more. I look at pictures and I laugh and cry at the same time.
I am jealous of my cousins and friends who have moms to run to and talk to and ask questions of. I want to know if my daughter is like I was at that age. I want to be able to give my mom a Mother’s Day gift and to spend time with her. I want to drive the Alpine Loop with her. I want to turn to her when I need to cry or when I am feeling ill. I want her to place her warm and motherly hands on my forehead and call me “hita”. I want to curl up by her side and snuggle like we used to. I want her to drive me crazy with her forgetfulness like she sometimes did. I want to laugh with her, cry with her, gossip with her, make jokes with her. I just want my mom.
I feel like a big baby. I am a grown woman with my own family and I miss my mom so much it hurts. I am angry because I feel cheated out of time with her! I am angry because I didn’t appreciate the time I did have with her! I am angry because she was still young! I am angry because my daughter won’t get to grow up with her in her life! I am angry.
So today I will try to occupy my mind with happy thoughts and I will try not to cry all day over how much I miss her, but truthfully, I don’t think it will work. Instead I will cry and I will miss my mom.
