VEILED INSULTS

I just started working out again after a 10 year hiatus – that’s what I like to call it! Last week was my first week of working out.

On my third day I was in the locker room getting ready to take a shower when this heavy girl comes up to me and asks, “How did your work out go?” I told her it had gone great. Then she says, “I used to be as big as you, then I lost 80 lbs.”

I stood there stunned before I could mumble out a not very enthusiastic, “Good for you.” She proceeded to tell me how it took her over a year to lose weight then continued talking about how she used to be big. The whole time she was talking I just kept staring at her thinking, “She seriously thinks she is skinny?” I finally managed to excuse myself and head to the showers.

I started thinking about her comment and it started to really bug me. Not in a sense that made me feel bad about myself, but in sense that why do fat people who have lost weight find the need to have to passively try to knock someone else down in order to make themselves feel good?

Later I told my brother what she said and he said that I should have responded with, “Thanks Bitch.” and then walked off. I told him that had our little sister been there she would have had some good come back.

Now I don’t know if this girl was honestly trying to “encourage” me with her words by saying if she could do it, then I could do it, but I don’t really care. The point is that people should really think about what flows out of his/her mouth before releasing it! I mean, wouldn’t it have been better for her to say, “I lost 80 lbs over the past year”? Why add in the veiled insult? How does she know how much I weigh? Personally, I think she looked like she weighed as much as I did.

Having been fat, then skinny, then fat, then skinny over and over, I would never make any assumptions as to someone else’s weight. I will not let her words knock me down. I will keep working out and one day I will be skinny again!

TWO YEARS TODAY SINCE MY MOM DIED

My mom passed away two years ago today and the void still has not gotten any better. Tons of well intentioned people have told me over and over, “It will get easier with time.” I am here to tell you that it does not get easier with time!

Instead I dream about my mom all of the time. In my dreams she is still alive, but how could that be? I saw her die. I am angry at her. I am happy she is there. I miss her. I try to remember all the good times we had with her growing up and what a wonderful mom she was. Then I have a flood of emotion hit me making me miss her even more. I look at pictures and I laugh and cry at the same time.

I am jealous of my cousins and friends who have moms to run to and talk to and ask questions of. I want to know if my daughter is like I was at that age. I want to be able to give my mom a Mother’s Day gift and to spend time with her. I want to drive the Alpine Loop with her. I want to turn to her when I need to cry or when I am feeling ill. I want her to place her warm and motherly hands on my forehead and call me “hita”. I want to curl up by her side and snuggle like we used to. I want her to drive me crazy with her forgetfulness like she sometimes did. I want to laugh with her, cry with her, gossip with her, make jokes with her. I just want my mom.

I feel like a big baby. I am a grown woman with my own family and I miss my mom so much it hurts. I am angry because I feel cheated out of time with her! I am angry because I didn’t appreciate the time I did have with her! I am angry because she was still young! I am angry because my daughter won’t get to grow up with her in her life! I am angry.

So today I will try to occupy my mind with happy thoughts and I will try not to cry all day over how much I miss her, but truthfully, I don’t think it will work. Instead I will cry and I will miss my mom.

"MY" WALMART SUCKS

Walmart sucks! Okay, not every Walmart just “my” Walmart! On any given day at any given hour you can go to the Walmart near my house and it will be packed! This would not normally be a problem if there were an appropriate amount of cashiers working, but there never is. You can’t just run in real quick to grab something because there are huge lines even at the self check out registers! One would think that the management would see the two lines wrapping around the store waiting to be checked out by the two cashiers that are open and maybe call some more people up front or work on scheduling more people, but apparently that is too difficult.

I also hate this Walmart because they are almost always out of everything that is on my list. The only benefit to this Walmart sucking is that I don’t spend nearly as much money as I used to on frivolous items! I just don’t have the patience required to shop at “my” Walmart. I find myself shopping at Smiths, Harmons, and Target. They may be more expensive, but I spend half the amount of time waiting in line to pay. In college I took an Economics class and we learned about the true value of something. This is when you include the price of the product and the cost of your time. I like to think my time is pretty valuable, so the longer I am in line waiting to pay the more expensive the item becomes! Is it really worth it? Most of the time I think it would just be easier to eat out every day!